OMG its a really contemplative personal LJ post, run away while you still can.
For the past couple of days I’ve been having dreams about people who have been in my life but I’ve pushed out of my life. I don’t want to name names. Every morning, I wake up knowing that it’s my fault I (or they) don’t talk to them anymore. It leaves me wondering if what I did was for the best or was it just me being scared. Because of what I did to them, I am where I am today. If I keep thinking of those terms, I won’t think about how it could have been. After reading a friend’s post of someone I don’t talk to as much as I should anymore, it made me remember that I’ve hurt so many people in my life. My biggest question about it all has been why? Was it for self-fullfillment or perhaps fear. It seems like my entire life I’ve been searching for that purpose of myself. I am so centered around myself. I apologize to anyone who has ever been hurt by me. In the long run I have discovered a few things about myself. I love myself and my family more than anyone could possible imagine. If I had said that to myself a year ago, I would have thought I was crazy. I havn’t always loved me. It probably wasn’t until my senior year of high school that I really discovered that I am amazing and that if I truly believe I’m amazing, everyone else will believe it. My family though. We’ve been at odds as far as I could remember. Perhaps the space and miles between us was for the best. Like most various relationships i’ve ever had. After time & space, i’ve been able to really come back to the core of why that friendship was there. After writing this paragraph, my only conclusion to why I think I push people away is because at the time…
I don’t think they are whats best for me.
It’s only those I think are best for me that I don’t push away.
If I follow the logic that its every man for himself, than in every truth of that phrase, I am correct with my actions.
But for some reason, I know I’m wrong. I guess thats what only makes me human.
Now guys, I don’t like to write journal entries that are as personal as this is.
It makes me feel vulnerable.
I have noticed two different kinds of people in life. The people who accept you are people who talk to you with soft eyes. The others, hard eyes. I can’t explain the difference in either but I just see them. Does anyone else notice this?
That is all.
I’m going to go cook some scrambled eggs.
If it really were “every man for himself” then all of culture and society would be one stupendous exercise in failure. Truth is none can get far on their own, that we need each other to raise ourselves up. Humans are social animals.
We are defined by our relationships. If someone askes you who you are, the only answer you can give is relationships to others, and list of things that other people can relate to (such as being someone who likes band X or not)… “I am me” is a hollow uninformative response. Even the hermit is defined by his lack of relationships.
And it is a simple truism that most people don’t really know what is best for themselves at the time… after all we have a very finite perspective and narrow, limited understanding of what could be if we follow one course or another.
That said, we must act, and there is definitly something to be said for following our intuitions about what is best for us and with whom we associate. I liked this post, made me think a bit.
And no, you’re not the only one who notes the soft eye-hard eye thing… though i’ve never thought of it like that. compassionate eye and dead eye are how i think of it… ever notice how you can see your reflection in some peoples eyes, but not in others?
malgoren
May 14, 2006 at 2:22 pm
I’m glad you liked my post. I was scared to write it. I suppose when I say soft-eyes, it could be the same as compassionate eyes.
I guess to sum up all I was trying to say is, i’ve ruined a lot of good relationships for my own self-fullfillment and progress in life. I can’t say I’m not proud of it because its put me where I am today, but then I think, what exactly am I today? I can easily reply with, “whatever I make myself to be today.”
blush_response
May 14, 2006 at 3:05 pm
I think it’s good that you’re happy with where you are, who you are, and the choices you’ve made. Because before one can have a real meaningful relationship with anyone else, one must first have a good relationship with the self.
And don’t beat yourself up over “ruining” good relationships. All relationships exist only in passing… we leave just as alone as we enter. A relationship is not good because it lasts forever, it is good because it helps the people involved mould who they are. There is no reason to have ill will when a relationship ends, if it is good for one party to end it it is good for both… people need the freedom to be who they need to be, to self actualize… for someone to demand more than this is to attempt to make a slave of the other. and who wants to be in that type of relationship?
malgoren
May 14, 2006 at 3:40 pm
I wasn’t talking about just relationships but friendships also. I guess they fit in the same categories. You’re so right Matt =)
blush_response
May 14, 2006 at 3:44 pm
speyinspate
May 14, 2006 at 10:18 pm